A farmer is having troubles with his chickens; they're not laying eggs (as chickens are wont to do). He calls another farmer, who looks over the chicken coop for any abnormalities, but nothing stikes him. So the farmer calls a vetinarian. The vet examines all the ckickens, even dissects one of the recently deceased chickens, but can't solve the farmer's problem. In desparation, the farmer calls in a physicist. The physicist takes out a pen and paper, and starts scribbling equations and formulae madly. After half an hour, he looks up and says "I can solve your problem, but it'll only work for spherical chickens in a vacuum."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first sits down and orders a beer. The second sits down and orders half a beer. The third sits down and orders one quarter of a beer.
The barman pours two beers and says "you're all arseholes"
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a caf? and notice people going into and coming out of the house across the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement was not accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced."
The mathematician: "If one person enters the house, then it will be empty again."
A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
How do you measure the height of a building with a barometer? Take the barometer to the roof of the building. Walk to the edge. Drop the barometer over the edge and time how long it takes to hit the ground. You may either watch the barometer fall, or listen for it hitting the ground, depending on the height of the building and the accuracy required. Don't forget to correct for the speed of sound if listening for the crunch. Use the fact that height is gravity times the square of the time, divided by two to calculate height from the (known) gravity and the (measured) time.
Atom 1: I think I lost an electron!
Atom 2: Are you sure?
Atom 1: I'm positive.
The optimist says the cup is half full.
The pessimist says the cup is half empty.
The engineer says the cup is too large.
The liberal arts major says "Do you want fries with that."
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What do you get if you multiply infinity by the root of minus 1?
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