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Post by JJW009 » Mon Dec 10, 2007 11:48 am

Lifted from a thread elsewhere, I love Geeky humour:


A farmer is having troubles with his chickens; they're not laying eggs (as chickens are wont to do). He calls another farmer, who looks over the chicken coop for any abnormalities, but nothing stikes him. So the farmer calls a vetinarian. The vet examines all the ckickens, even dissects one of the recently deceased chickens, but can't solve the farmer's problem. In desparation, the farmer calls in a physicist. The physicist takes out a pen and paper, and starts scribbling equations and formulae madly. After half an hour, he looks up and says "I can solve your problem, but it'll only work for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.



The first sits down and orders a beer. The second sits down and orders half a beer. The third sits down and orders one quarter of a beer.



The barman pours two beers and says "you're all arseholes"

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a caf? and notice people going into and coming out of the house across the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while, they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The physicist: "The measurement was not accurate."

The biologist: "They have reproduced."

The mathematician: "If one person enters the house, then it will be empty again."



A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.

Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a

bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and

puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same

lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the

mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the

physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

How do you measure the height of a building with a barometer? Take the barometer to the roof of the building. Walk to the edge. Drop the barometer over the edge and time how long it takes to hit the ground. You may either watch the barometer fall, or listen for it hitting the ground, depending on the height of the building and the accuracy required. Don't forget to correct for the speed of sound if listening for the crunch. Use the fact that height is gravity times the square of the time, divided by two to calculate height from the (known) gravity and the (measured) time.

Atom 1: I think I lost an electron!

Atom 2: Are you sure?

Atom 1: I'm positive.

The optimist says the cup is half full.

The pessimist says the cup is half empty.

The engineer says the cup is too large.

The liberal arts major says "Do you want fries with that."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."



The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."



"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.



"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"



"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."



The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."



"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"



"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

What do you get if you multiply infinity by the root of minus 1?





8







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Post by JJW009 » Wed Jan 30, 2008 11:41 pm

So this neutrino walks through a bar...
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
As everyone knows, Noah built an arc. Here is some additional information about what happened when the animals were getting off ...

Now, the world was pretty well empty of land creatures, so Noah gave all of the animals instructions as they departed.

To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.

Well, Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!"

A while later he was walking around and stepped over a fallen tree. There were those snakes, well, er... multiplying.

"I thought you said you couldn't multiply?" asked Noah.

"By logs we can!" replied the adders.
An architect, an engineer, and a physicist are all hired by a farmer to help him design a fence. He tells them, "I want to enclose the largest area using the least amount of materials." The architect draws a square. The engineer draws a circle. The physicist takes the engineer's circle and writes "outside" on the inside.
Hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.
Your momma's so fat, I had to integrate her by parts.
Why did the cat slide off the roof?



His "mew" was too small
A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a bar. The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says "hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says "indeed, I encyst upon it."





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Post by belchingmatt » Fri Aug 29, 2008 7:57 am

Q - Which city has the tastiest food?



A - Sheffield





I just made that one up. Unless I heard it before in another life.




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<div class='signature'> I'm not addicted to porn, I'm addicted to masturbation. Porn is just an enabler.



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There are plenty more fish in the sea, get your tackle out and see what bites.



Divers go deeper and stay down for longer.
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Post by jonlumb » Fri Aug 29, 2008 8:40 am

The full barometer story:



The following is a question on a physics exam at the University of Copenhagen:



"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."



One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."



This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that he failed the student who immediately appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct.



The university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.



The arbiter ruled that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. It was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.



For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.



On being advised to hurry up the student replied: "First, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from this formula I have worked out for you on my text paper here."



Then the student added, "But, Sir, I wouldn't recommend it. Bad luck on the barometer."



"Another alternative", offered the student, "is this: If the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer,then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional geometry to work out the height of the skyscraper. On the paper is the formula for that as well."



"But, Sir, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in a gravitational formula, which I have determined here this time on a long sheet of paper with a very long and complicated calculation."



"Or, Sir, here's another way, and not a bad one at all. If the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."



"But if you merely wanted to be very boring and very orthodox about the answer you seem to seek, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof, and on the ground, and then convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."



"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."



The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane ever to win the Nobel Prize in physics.




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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Fri Aug 29, 2008 9:09 am

Still like this one:



Werner Heisenberg is driving along the road when he's stopped by a traffic policeman.



PM: Excuse me sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?



WH: No, but I know exactly where I am



<!--emo&:rofl:--><img src='http://i2.ifrm.com/4013/140/emo/rofl.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='rofl.gif' /><!--endemo-->




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



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"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Tue Sep 02, 2008 12:04 pm

I know it's old, and Mr Red really groaned when I opened it, but it still makes me laugh every time:



If General Motors Were Like Microsoft



At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."



In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you have would have to buy more seats.



6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.



7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.



8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.



9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.



10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.



11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.



12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.








--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Tue Sep 16, 2008 9:31 am

I know it's old and not PC, but it should be recorded here:



EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!



There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial



But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God



But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil



But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion



But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit



But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married

2. He was always telling stories

3. He loved green pastures



But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Mon Oct 27, 2008 1:28 pm

Q. How do you kill a Circus?



A. Go for the Juggler



..... <!--emo&:rofl:--><img src='http://i2.ifrm.com/4013/140/emo/rofl.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='rofl.gif' /><!--endemo-->




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by jonlumb » Mon Oct 27, 2008 3:48 pm

Mrs Redeyes wrote:Q. How do you kill a Circus?



A. Go for the Juggler



..... <!--emo&:rofl:--><img src='http://i2.ifrm.com/4013/140/emo/rofl.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='rofl.gif' /><!--endemo-->
That's fantastic!




--------------------


<div class='signature'> I can feel bits of my brain falling away like pieces of wet cake.
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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Mon Oct 27, 2008 4:04 pm

jonlumb wrote:
Mrs Redeyes wrote:Q. How do you kill a Circus?



A. Go for the Juggler



.....&nbsp; <!--emo&:rofl:--><img src='http://i2.ifrm.com/4013/140/emo/rofl.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='rofl.gif' /><!--endemo-->
That's fantastic!
It's brilliant innit?



One of those jokes where I have no idea why it's so funny, but it just is <!--emo&:D--><img src='http://i2.ifrm.com/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='biggrin.gif' /><!--endemo-->




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Wed Oct 29, 2008 4:11 pm

Scottish Logic



A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve

and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your

mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.



'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.



We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.

'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you

call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'



Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell

they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT

getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling

my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do

a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.



The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says,

they're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Thu Oct 30, 2008 2:34 pm

Escaped Convict



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.



He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:



'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.'



'I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.'



'Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'



To which his wife responds:

'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.'



'I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!'




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Fri Jan 09, 2009 2:34 pm

Benefits of a Catholic Edumacation



Little Morris Cohen was doing very badly in math's. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning mathematics.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Morris down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.



After the first day, little Morris came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Morris was

hard at work.



His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner; to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.



Finally, little Morris brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation his Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Morris got an 'A' in math's.



She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'



Little Morris looked at her and shook his head, 'No'



'Well, then', she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?'



Little Morris looked at her and said,



'Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't f*cking around.'




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Thu Jan 15, 2009 9:29 am

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'



3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.



4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'



6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'



7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'

'Is it common ?'

'Well, It's Not Unusual.'



8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'

'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.

'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.



9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.



10. D?j? Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.



11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.



12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'



13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.



15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'



16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'



18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'



19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

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Post by Mrs Redeyes » Thu Jan 15, 2009 9:30 am

Mechanic Vs Cardiologist



A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.



The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'



The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make &#036;39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks (&#036;1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'





The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... 'Try doing it with the engine running.'




--------------------


<div class='signature'>"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"



"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"



<img src='http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w165 ... Icon-1.jpg' border='0' alt='user posted image'>
"Why do the people who know the least, know it the loudest?"

"Illegitmi non carborundum est!"

Image
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