Funny Stories
Funny Stories
SPERM COUNT
An 85 year old man went to his doctors to get a sperm count.
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors, and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what had happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this - First i tried with my right had, but nothing.
Then i tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then i asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out,still nothing.
We even called up Arleen,the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried sqeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked "you asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "yep, and no matter how hard we tried, we still couln't get the jar open."
I nicked that off someone called "Mistress" on a *different* forum
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An 85 year old man went to his doctors to get a sperm count.
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctors, and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what had happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this - First i tried with my right had, but nothing.
Then i tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then i asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out,still nothing.
We even called up Arleen,the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried sqeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked "you asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "yep, and no matter how hard we tried, we still couln't get the jar open."
I nicked that off someone called "Mistress" on a *different* forum
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Funny Stories
This time from Kez, same forum:
> > ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
> >
> > A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
> > the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
> > moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into
> > grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When
> > on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
> > complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The
> > case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
> > years old) what he had to say for himself.
> >
> > The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When
> > the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
> > condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The
> > Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I smiled.
> >
> > Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's
> > Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to grin.
> >
> > Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
> > "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly
> > contain myself.
> >
> > BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
> > under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have
> > prevented this Accident." I just lost it."
> >
> > "CASE DISMISSED!!!"
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> > ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
> >
> > A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed
> > the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately
> > moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into
> > grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When
> > on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
> > complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The
> > case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
> > years old) what he had to say for himself.
> >
> > The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When
> > the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
> > condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The
> > Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I smiled.
> >
> > Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's
> > Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to grin.
> >
> > Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
> > "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly
> > contain myself.
> >
> > BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat
> > under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have
> > prevented this Accident." I just lost it."
> >
> > "CASE DISMISSED!!!"
--------------------
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RedeyesUK
- Posts: 2598
- Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2005 12:00 am
- Location: Over there, then left a bit..no, a bit more..that's it!
Funny Stories
He spent all his money on a sleek new Mercedes roadster and was out on the motorway for an evening cruise. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
'There's no way they can catch me,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, with the lights still behind him. 'What on earth am I doing?' he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence and examined it. 'Listen mate,' said the cop. 'I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!
'Last week my wife ran off with a cop,' the man said, 'and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!'
'Have a nice night', said the officer.
'There's no way they can catch me,' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 130, with the lights still behind him. 'What on earth am I doing?' he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence and examined it. 'Listen mate,' said the cop. 'I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!
'Last week my wife ran off with a cop,' the man said, 'and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!'
'Have a nice night', said the officer.
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RedeyesUK
- Posts: 2598
- Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2005 12:00 am
- Location: Over there, then left a bit..no, a bit more..that's it!
Funny Stories
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work..
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lover and hide in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little boy says: "Dark in here."
The man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a football, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "?250-00." ................
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboardtogether again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The boy says:"?750-00."
The secret lover says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The boy says: "I can't, I sold them for ?1000."
The father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that......
?1000 is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says: "Dark in here."
The priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lover and hide in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little boy says: "Dark in here."
The man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a football, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "?250-00." ................
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboardtogether again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The boy says:"?750-00."
The secret lover says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The boy says: "I can't, I sold them for ?1000."
The father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that......
?1000 is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says: "Dark in here."
The priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"
Funny Stories
lol... I can see that one cropping up else where now
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KindaWobbly
- Posts: 1705
- Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2005 12:00 am
Funny Stories
from the Darwin Awards:
(1986, United Kingdom) In 1986 the UK saw its most violent storm in 350 years. Winds exceeded 90 mph, and an incredible amount of damage was done to property and people up and down the UK. Millions of trees were uprooted by the gales.
In Margate in the county of Kent, one unfortunate homeowner had a property bordered by three massive poplars. The wind had felled one, which came to rest across his back garden. Another poplar had been bent over just far enough to lodge its top under the soffit of his roof. The foliage was blocking his upstairs bedroom windows, and something had to be done.
This chap did not own a chainsaw, nor could he reach the trunk of the tree from the house, even when leaning out the window. So he decided to shinny up and saw off the top while sitting astride the trunk, with his feet wedged against the gutter of his roof. He had plenty of time to reflect on the wisdom of his position, as it took him 20 minutes of sawing before the bent tree, which experts estimate held the energy equivalent to small field gun - parted company with the portion trapped by the soffit, and sprang back upright.
His body was found in a neighbour's garden over a mile away. The police surgeon stated that his neck probably broke during the whiplash and he would therefore have known nothing of the impact with the ground.
(1986, United Kingdom) In 1986 the UK saw its most violent storm in 350 years. Winds exceeded 90 mph, and an incredible amount of damage was done to property and people up and down the UK. Millions of trees were uprooted by the gales.
In Margate in the county of Kent, one unfortunate homeowner had a property bordered by three massive poplars. The wind had felled one, which came to rest across his back garden. Another poplar had been bent over just far enough to lodge its top under the soffit of his roof. The foliage was blocking his upstairs bedroom windows, and something had to be done.
This chap did not own a chainsaw, nor could he reach the trunk of the tree from the house, even when leaning out the window. So he decided to shinny up and saw off the top while sitting astride the trunk, with his feet wedged against the gutter of his roof. He had plenty of time to reflect on the wisdom of his position, as it took him 20 minutes of sawing before the bent tree, which experts estimate held the energy equivalent to small field gun - parted company with the portion trapped by the soffit, and sprang back upright.
His body was found in a neighbour's garden over a mile away. The police surgeon stated that his neck probably broke during the whiplash and he would therefore have known nothing of the impact with the ground.
